On the passing of my father
On Tuesday, I got word from my half-sister that my father has passed away. I believe he was 85 years old. This has led to some rather complex emotions over the passed couple of days.
For a little background, my parents divorsed when I was young. I'm not sure exactly how old I was because my childhood memories are extremely fuzzy, plus my perception of time seems scewed to begin with, but I would guess around five years old. I say this because I have a vague recollection of starting school in one school and my mom walking me to that school. Then I remember transferring to another school in kindergarden, and I remember the house we lived in when I went to the second one, and we lived there with my dad and step-mother (my dad's third wife, as I recall). So obviously my father got custody of my sisters (one younger, one older) and I.
When I was 8, we moved to Florida. After a year and a half or so, my older sister decided she wanted to go live with our mom and step-dad. Our father agreed to let her and my sister go live there, since he didn't want to separate the two. But at 9, he gave me the choice to stay with him or go with my sisters. For the longest time, I hated him for making me choose my sisters over him, but obviously did.
I only saw or spoke to him once after that, and it was when I was a teen and still bitter about it. I have long since let that hatred, anger, and bitterness go, and replaced them with... nothing...
For his part, I don't know much about what happened after my sisters and I left. I know he remarried his fourh wife, and he had three more children with her. Two more girls and a boy. That marraige lasted until her passing a year or two ago.
For my part, I realize that he was probably afraid that I'd have felt pushed away, so thought he was sparing me that by giving me a choice. I suspect he already knew the outcome, or didn't plan on separate us and would have talked me into going with me sisters.
Because I knew he was getting up there in age, and I'm in my 50s and becoming more and more aware of my own mortality, I'd recently started thinging about getting in touch, if just to let him know I didn't hold any annimosity. I've also thought about getting ahold of my half-siblings, whom I've never met, to see if they would help me know him through their eyes. I don't remember much about my father, and it is tainted by all those years of resentment.
His passing has triggered some very vague and fuzzy memories, though, and I can only speculate on what I remember correctly, and what my mind is filling in.
For instance, I have a very fuzzy memory if it being nighttime, us being outside at our grandparents' home, and flashing lights, someone holding a baby on the porch (either my mom or grandma holding my little sister, most likely), and my dad standing with his hands behind his back like a soldier standing at- ease. I seem to remember someone screaming at my father, probably my mother, and maybe police? The flashing lights were maybe from their cars? Maybe my dad was getting arrested for a domestic situation?
I also think maybe the divorce was a result of my mom cheating on him. It was the 70's, and courts usually favored the mother when it came to custody, of all my friends growing up who had divorced parents, very few of their fathers had even split custody. So the only way my father would have gotten custody is if my mother just okay, or if she had caused the end of the marraige.
This is just speculation, of course, but now there is no one who could verify any of it. My older sister passed away over nine years ago, and we never really talked about our father. My little sisted was just a baby, and had cut tied with the family regardless. I doubt my half-siblings would have heard much about his previous life.
Tags: family
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